And the Wheels Came Off the Wagon...

So...where did it all go wrong???

Why is it when you're experiencing bliss you can never quite see the train coming at you at warp speed?

I find myself being in INSUFFERABLE brat mode at this time. And such a shame as it is my very favorite time of the year. But...being bounced right off of Big's lap and out of his life is something that really kickstarts the insufferable mode.

And of course, "It's nothing you did..." really sends me. And I ask..."What happened to, 'Are you ready to join me in this lifestyle? Can you accept me being your Dom and making all the 'important decisions' for us? Will you submit to me with your heart and soul? Oh, and the whole me and you, with God's blessing, together forever, blah, blah, blah..."

Life is so incredibly strange, and fun, and irritating, and unpredictable. I have to laugh and keep on stepping. And now, where do I go from here, I say to myself, and start checking out sites...and holy crap...that's where it gets even stranger. From BDSM to Christian Domestic Discipline...my head is spinning. I know there's a happy medium here; somewhere to find someone into Domestic Discipline that doesn't include pictures of torsos with stiff cocks in hand...really...I mean, I can appreciate a stiff cock, but it's just not the way to start up a conversation for me.

What next? I've got to laugh and shake my head...I picture myself, sitting in the wagon, crashed on the sidewalk, wondering, "Where did it all go wrong? I was having such a good time!"

Oh, well.....NEEEEEXT....

It Just Keeps Getting Better

So, being brand spankin' new to the whole DD scene, my "introductory spanking" (as Big put it), was hot and sweet and just a tiny bit hurty. I absolutely LOVED it. Being held afterward and gently stroked and spoken to was something I had never experienced, not to mention the spanking. So completely hot, and let's not fail to mention the incredibly HOT sex after that. Oh..yeah...I'm into this Big...let's do it again.

And then the next one was the real deal. Now, Big did mention the part about using "implements" after he "warmed me up" with his hand, but that didn't happen with the "introductory" spanking, and I'm thinking what's the huge deal...who doesn't love a little spank on a regular basis?? You can imagine my dismay(?)...no...my outrage(?) perhaps, when the following week he took me by the wrist, led me to his room, and pointed to the bed where he had laid out several of what looked to me like weapons of mmmASS destruction (forgive the pun) and told me to pick one.

"PICK ONE???!!! Are you insane? Oh, hell no," I said while trying to back out the door, but he did have a grip and it was apparent I wasn't going anywhere butt over his knee. I told him, "I refuse to pick...that's like kicking your own ass. I'll have no part of it. No way. " He looked at me and said, "That means I get to pick." You would have thought I'd have taken that clue, but no...I have my pride. Certainly I will not kick my own ass.

Suffice it to say THAT was a mistake. Big's choice was a rather horribly evil Myrtlewood paddle that set my hind end on FIRE...and believe me, he didn't really torture me long with it. He was probably worried about the neighbors calling the police and reporting insane and bloodcurdling screams coming from next door. If he ever asks me to "pick" again I will not hesitate, but I think I really kicked my own ass on that one.

I do remember telling Big, in a voice full of disbelief, that that REALLY hurt. He looked at me and said, "Yes. It's supposed to. It's discipline," and we had that so so sweet healing time where my mouth shut up and I let go of everything; a calm and peace fell over me and a security I have never known. So amazing.

But it took me a few more before I finally realized that letting go wasn't something he was supposed to beat out of me or beat me into. Submission isn't something he takes from me; it's something I give him. It's something I can't even find words for at this point because it's so completely new and different and indescribably beautiful. The release of emotion is something I find myself having to work on, though, after years of keeping emotions buried deeply in this soul. But that release is happening, and getting easier to do. I actually cried for the first time...and for a long time. I find myself so completely calm and relaxed and FOCUSED after a session. The only problem is that it only lasts for about two days, and then I'm back to the mouthy, insufferable brat that I can be.

I don't know where this is going, where this will take me, if Big will be able to handle the mouthy, insufferable brat for long, but it is soooo worth the ride, and what do I have to lose? Being the most undisciplined person I know (and I'm not bragging...it's quite sad, actually) and having NEVER been disciplined in any form, I might actually make those changes I've promised myself I'd make with a little help from Big...

And hopefully from some of you out there, as well. I've read several other blogs and find a lot of what you all say so helpful and thought-provoking.